Month: September 2011

Trailer Trashing – Fall Edition

One of the biggest pieces of inspiration for an Oreo-to-be is film and TV. It’s so motivating to see what a diversity of experiences one can have…if one only had the foresight to not be you know…a brown.

With the summer over, it’s time for Hollywood to pull out a new season of films. Notable about this time of year is that this is where many strong Oscar contenders come from. Which means that these are the movies that filmmakers, young and old alike, will take their cues from. Here’s some of what’s coming up this fall and winter and how they stack up against the Oreo agenda.

Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star – Nick Swardson does porn (finally!!)

Things White People Get to Do: Be part of a loving family, be content with simple things, be blissfully unaware, be sweet, be naive, be oddly cool, progressive parents, live in a small town, live in a big city, parody Almost Famous, be hot, be regular looking, be super hot with a regular looking boyfriend, be the hero.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: be threatening, drive a car.

Contagion – This is why we don’t touch people.

Things White People Get to Do in This Movie: Play craps, have a family, be an expert, cry convincingly, deliver bad news, be unable to accept bad news, probably be the focal point of a conspiracy, populate towns.

Things Not-White People Get to Do in This Movie: Play craps, provide and clarify exposition.

Main Street – English actors fake Southern accents

Things White People Get to Do: Fake an American accent, come up with a plan, be taken advantage of by the boss, be savvy about the boss, believe a stranger, be troubled, look out for the troubled, work in an office.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: Believe a stranger.

Warrior – Fighting! 

Things White People Get to Do: have tattoos, cage fight, announce fights, reconnect with parents, gamble, join the military, lose a home, offer help, make up for lost time, walk around the house in matched undies and undershirt, throw tires around, be an adorable father, kiss the girl, be a war hero, cheer supportability, go head to head.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: walk through frame, lose a fight

I Don’t Know How She Does It – Whaaa?? A woman has a job and a life???!?!?

Things White People Get to Do: Have a career AND a family and be totes supes adorbs about it.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a

Straw Dogs – Small Town Life is Murdery

Things White People Get to Do: Watch old movies, be in old movies, be way too aggressive, terrorize innocents, be a cheerleader, have sex, have a nice date, disrespect their partners, sexually harass women, fight back against bullies, go to church, rise to the challenge, wield a tire iron, use boiling water effectively.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a

Drive – Ryan Gosling is hot. And dangerous. And hot.

Things White People Get to Do: be really good at driving, set up dirty deals, be mobsters, live in a big city, meet guys in elevators, be a stunt person, be a loving single mom, get their hands on more money than they were expecting, kiss the girl, bash someone’s head in, wear freaky masks, slit some throats, be the dad the dad couldn’t be.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: be a felon.

Abduction – It’s the Bourne movies, just with a werewolf teen

Things White People Get to Do: Experience an existential crisis, wrestle, host and attend pool parties, have an iPad, discover their past, illegally adopt children, fight like they do in the Bourne movies, be a rogue weapon, be the center of controversy, threaten teenagers, have sweet cars, ride trains,

Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a

Dolphin Tale – Well, it’s a less porntastic title than Free Willy

Things White People Get to Do: Find tailless dolphin, believe in the tailless dolphin, provide a parallel storyline by having a badly wounded leg, hug awkwardly

Things Not-White People Get to Do: Be Morgan Effing Freeman, walk past a van

The Double- Richard Gere isn’t who he says he is.

Things White People Get to Do: Murder, be murdered, be powerful, be a smarty pants, throw down a challenge, become obsessed, have a family, be a threat, be level headed, be either a schizo madman or a brilliant strategist.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: swivel in a chair.

Killer Elite -Transporter 11?

Things White People Get to Do: get people “ready for this,” sport that awesome Clive Owen accent, punch, kick, make a chair fly with awesome glute action, get felt up in a pool.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: give advice.

Machine Gun Preacher – White People to the Rescue–Now With Heavy Artillery!!

Things White People Get to Do: have regret, stand in underwear, beg for help, get baptized, have a change of heart, save black people, make amends.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: be poor in Africa, be Freedom Fighters, be in a refugee camp, wield machine guns, try to kill the white guy, burn down a village.

Moneyball – He’s not in this movie, but have you seen how thin Jonah Hill is now??

Things White People Get to Do: run a baseball team, kick ass at their first job, change the game, have a family, sport some pretty obvious product placement, scare the intern.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: not be able to read the information on a vending machine, sit behind Brad Pitt, sit next to Jonah Hill.

50/50 – Cancer sucks.

Things White People Get to Do: be a best friend, cope as best they can, diagnose disease, provide therapy, be a supportive family, be a surprisingly cool old man, provide dubious support, go to bars.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a – this is especially exciting because one of the people who was closest to me dealt with this and I, not knowing what to do, ended up acting as the partner giving dubious advice that was meant to be playfully endearing. Glad to know that I definitely wasn’t acting like an RBP. Apparently, I was acting like Seth Rogan.

Dream House -Wait, isn’t this the same schtick in the Richard Gere movie??

Things White People Get to Do: have a family, have sex, suspect something is wrong, be creepy townies, be bad neighbors, not know who they are, ride trains, relax in a bath, look like the kids from The Shining.

Things Not-White People Get to Do:  walk through a door.

What’s Your Number? – Okay, I kinda heart Anna Faris even if she did have plastic surgery.

Things White People Get to Do: date, stand in underwear, look for love, be a puppeteer, be delightfully awkward, make deep, personal insights,

Things Not-White People Get to Do:  provide advice, be a rocket scientist, be gay, attend a lovely wedding.

Wait?? A silly, floppy comedy is the movie that’s brave enough to risk putting of color ppl in real roles?

Dirty Girl – Southern Gals are Sassy!

Things White People Get to Do: be Southern, feather their hair, promote abstinence, push the envelope, be preggers, assign homework, have a good family, have a bad family, discover family secrets, drop a flour baby on its head, run away, dance with ribbons.

Things Not-White People Get to Do:  n/a

The Ides of March – This Just In: Politicians Lie

Things White People Get to Do: fly in private planes, be sure of themselves, recruit promising young people, make a difference, be a good candidate, be a bad candidate, make good deals, make bad deals, demand loyalty, wear suits, get in over their head.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: stand next to George Clooney.

Real Steel -Robots Fight in a Plot That Doesn’t Look Thin at All

Things White People Get to Do: recognize  how the fight has changed, make robots,  place bets, win some, lose some.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: announce a fight, attend fights.

The Big Year – Men Make a Bucket List Competitive

Things White People Get to Do: have a big house, have a great job, be angsty at family, go skiing, compete with each other, see the world, make up for lost time.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: set up a Jack Black joke, sit in front of Owen Wilson, set up another Jack Black joke.

Father of Invention – You Had Me at “White” Collar Crime

Things White People Get to Do: commit white collar crimes, be embarrassed about their family, expect the best, discover the worst, fall from grace, climb back up again, sing, make coffee, shine a light on other characters, be behind the times, play Rock Band.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: marry a super hot gal while her husband is in prison.

Fireflies in the Garden – I Haven’t Seen a Firefly Since College!

Things White People Get to Do: be abusive, be abused, accidentally kill someone, be EMTs, process the past, write a tell all, have loving catch phrases, do the best with what they have.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a

Footloose – Are They Gonna Keep that Awkward Dancing By Himself Scene?

Things White People Get to Do: Live in a small town, live in a big town, have a family, be in positions of authority, have attitude, drive cars, make rules, challenge the rules, date, play chicken with school buses, tempt a train.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: be one of the guys, play sports, be in the crowd, deliver high fives.

Trespass -Nick Cage Has an Academy Award

Things White People Get to Do: have a family, have an amazing house, have a secret vault, stage an elaborate break in, be brutal, lie, cheat, steal, take big risks.

Things Not-White People Get to Do:  n/a

Margin Call – I totally chatted up Zack Quinto during Star Trek. We were basically besties.

Things White People Get to Do: work on Wall Street, get fired, keep working, go over the figures, place blame, dump stocks, go to strip clubs, empathize for the commoners, ride elevators, set into motion events that change America for a good long time.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: sit at a desk in the background.

The Three Musketeers – I’m not sure that tripod weapon existed back then. Or the spiky ball thing.

Things White People Get to Do: Sport dashing period costumes, fence beautifully, be clergy, be commoner, be captivating, create amazing dirigibles,

Things Not-White People Get to Do:  n/a

In Time -Hey! It’s the Guy From Big Bang Theory!

Things White People Get to Do: have a family, be stunning, be rich, be blue collar, make an important trade, owe someone their life–literally, ask people to look inside themselves, lead a revolution.

Things Not-White People Get to Do:  walk behind Cillian Murphy, walk through scene at a party, deliver a line of exposition, sit behind Cillian Murphy, be grateful for a gift.

The Rum Diary – Johnny Depp drinks a lot, is still adorable.

Things White People Get to Do: be a disaster, be a tough boss, be an adorable ex-pat, find creative solutions to problems, find the one white gal on the island, populate a yacht, make innuendo, hallucinate, print papers, be unafraid of death by car, shower.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: populate Puerto Rico, practice voodoo.

Tower Heist – I love you, Ben

Things White People Get to Do: Be the boss of the staff, be the staff, commit financial crimes, come up with a plan to get the bad guy, vocalize the need for a criminal, have asthma, disrespect the little guy.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: recognize racial disparity, be the staff, be locked up for non-savvy crimes, tutor people on how to rob, hit on the other black person in the movie.

A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas – Umm, this movie has two minority leads. There’s no way it can be interesting/marketable/worth the time. Sheesh!

Jack and Jill – Men in Drag are always hilarious

Things White People Get to Do: have a family, be rude, come over for dinner, hurt a horse, adopt a kid, have a cat, get hit on by Al Pacino, re-live youth, break the laws of physics on a jet ski.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: work in an office.

Melancholia – The End of The World Set to Soothing Music

Things White People Get to Do: get married, have access to a giant sundial, toast, be grumpy, ride horses, be unsatisfied, balletically prepare for the end of days.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a

The Twilight Saga – Breaking Dawn – Hmm. I thought we were done with these

Things White People Get to Do: show off their trapezius, send a letter, get a letter, morph, get married (aren’t they like 14??), go to Brazil, kiss a lot, expect us to believe that a belly that tiny could hold a baby.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: be in a wheelchair

A Dangerous Method – Keira Knightley does a bunch of accents. And her doctor.

Things White People Get to Do: answer questions, ask questions, ride in carriages, dress beautifully, be crazy, try new procedures, hide from sex get laid, have a gorgeous boat, face temptation.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a

Hugo – The Spirit of Christmas Embodies a Cyborg

Things White People Get to Do: be a sweet dad, be a loved son, have a dog, run from authority, be all mysterious, make friends with a robot, enjoy miracles.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – No one mentions that cheese kanji she has on her ankle. She thinks it says “love.” It doesn’t. Ahh, college.

Things White People Get to Do: investigate, have dinners, live in cold climates, be part of the crowd, grow ill, come to the end of their ropes, keep searching.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a

War Horse -You’ll Cry.

Things White People Get to Do: fall in love with nature, defend their homes, run through town, practice excellent riding posture, draw very well, grow up, tell their story.

Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a

Whew! I was worried that I was going to see examples of myself in various and interesting situations. But luckily, I’ve been reminded that being of color is just not that interesting. Why else would of color folks be kept out of the canon of one of the most powerful industries going?

I’d say this was no big deal and that I and others might accept my blackness anyway. But the repetition of images (or the omission of images) is pretty much what the entire advertising industry is based on. So I guess a message is definitely getting across.

And thank God for it! I have spent way too much money relaxing my hair for it to be otherwise!

For moar looks at more movies, click here!

What do you think? Let us know in the comments!

******

For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Balls! Or: Which Team Do You Play For, Or: Gratuitious Use of Euphemisms for a Sports-Related Post

Apparently, some sports season is winding down and/or another one is winding up. Something about brackets? I’m not sure. I just know that there’s been more talk of teams around the office and the group emails from my college alumni group are starting to be full of lots of ticket swap talk.

Unofortch, no one is anteing tix to see these fellas play.

I really wish I got the sports thing. I think this is the one only-child trait that I hang on to. I’m not overly selfish. I can play well with others. I don’t mind sharing. But I just don’t understand team sports. I remember standing on the volleyball court in school and thinking “So…did you want to handle this or do you want me to? There’s like 6 of us. Are we really all needed, because I have some arpeggios to practice if you’re good.”

HOW many people does it take to get a ball over a net?? The ball's not heavy, the net's not that high, just have that one gal toss it over, done!

You’d think I would have absorbed something useful about sports by now. I am, after all, from Texas, where football is a very big deal. And because I was extra cool, I was in marching band in both high school and college. So I went to a LOT of football games.

Yup. I sported that outfit. Proudly. Go LHB!!

But the things I most looked forward to had nothing to do with the game. In high school, we were allowed to take the boxes our hats came in into the stands with us to store our bright, white feathered plumes before and after the half-time performance. But you know what else those boxes could hold? Calculus and French text books!!! I was always so happy to have an extra four hours to work on homework, that I generally forgot to watch the field.

In college, my favorite part of the game was right after the half-time show when we would get applause and apples. They’d pass around this box of fruit and it was just delicious!! I mean, I think I was supposed to be happy that one of our players won a Heisman or something and that I got to see him play every week. But those apples were like the best apples ever.

There are a few general reasons why I can’t get on board with team sports:

I hate seeing men cry. I mean, I love it when men are emotionally avail, but it just breaks my heart to see them cry.

It's okay, little soldier. I'm here. I'm right here.

And guys often cry after losing a game. They’d try not to, but through their clenched lips and stern looks, you could see tears just welling up and them doing that not-blinking thing so that the tears wouldn’t actually fall. I’m misting up now just thinking about it.

I put things in perspective.  A friend was lamenting the fact that the Buffalo Bills have lost four Superbowls and thus people make fun of them. And I’m like “But they WENT to the Superbowl!! They made it there!! I can’t get to the Superbowl. That’s a serious accomplishment.” Apparently, just making it to the SB isn’t quite good enough. I’m a giant perfectionist and I still don’t get that.

I can’t stand to see people get hurt. I’m a huge baby when it comes to other people’s pain. My roommate once broke his toe in front of me and I had to call a doctor because I was the one who passed out.

And when it comes to specific sports, there’s just too many things that don’t make sense.

Baseball: You get in trouble for doing the right things. In the spirit of “okay, maybe I can learn to like this,” I played softball once a couple of years ago. I was up to bat. The pitch came toward me and I steeled myself for the contact. Dug my toe into the dirt, rotated back and CRACK!!! I hit the ball really high and really far. It was super impressive flying into the sun like that. Like a bird. A round, wingless birdie.

Like a kiwi! Only I'd never hit a kiwi with a bat. Even to give it the gift of flight.

And then I got OUT!!! Excuse me?? I just did something GOOD. I just demonstrated a serious piece of timing, strength and coordination and you PUNISH me for it??

Fuck that!

I haven’t played since.

Soccer: Thought I was gonna like this one because they don’t stop the clock. Yay!  A night, tight 90-minute game with nice, tight bodies running up and down the field. Low scoring, but that’s okay… until they do that bullshit kick off at the end!

I don’t remember what the score was, but at this match I went to in Australia, apparently, the judge or ref or officials or whatever didn’t care what it was. These players had just exhausted themselves and instead of going with what was on the scoreboard, they had a kick off where the first one to make a goal won the whole effing game! What?? Why not just do that at the beginning if you don’t care about the effort that went into it? Sheesh!

I'm sorry, was I complaining about something? I suddenly got distrac---

Basketball: Too many points. If it’s that easy to get points, it’s just doesn’t seem challenging. I would like it better though, I think if the guys went back to wearing those shorty shorts that they used to.

No surprise that the sports I do like are individual events. And super white.

Tennis: I played when I was in school. Classy, simple, elegant. And if you’re a girl, you get to have fun making the audience feel like pervs when you vocalize your impacts and efforts.

exactly how I looked when I played in school. Perhaps explains why I never went pro.

Equestrian Things: Who doesn’t want to have something and powerful between their legs? Seriously, though, horses are wonderful and they can fly!

Lindy Hop: If you think swing dancing isn’t an athletic pursuit, you clearly haven’t seen this video.

Tissu: Just getting into this now. First class is this weekend. Went to Cirque a couple of weeks ago. Squealed like a little kid throughout. Signed up for a class. Have clearly overestimated my hand and shoulder strength, flexibility, stamina and comfort with heights, but  looking forward to it!

If I get into this position, I will never get out.

Click here for an Oreo guide to regular sports.

And here to choose the right NCAA team for Oreos.

And if you’re of color and you’re going to play a sport, be sure no one else looks like you, or you’re going to confuse reporters.

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If you’re a sports fan, what is it that draws you into a game? Did you play yourself? Do you have friends who play? Let us know in the comments!

******

For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!