Month: April 2009

A Few of My Favowhite Things

By now, you may be thinking that your friends, business associate or tennis partners may be Oreos. But be careful, just because a person of color says something telling like: “Hey, there’s my Young Repbulican’s pin!” doesn’t mean that that person is a real Oreo.  Anyone can fake it for a minute. (And if any of you dated my ex-boyfriend Trevor, you know all about faking it…for just a minute.)

So, before determining if that Redwing season ticket holder in the box next to you is in fact a true Oreo, it’s helpful to check to see if they have any of these items in their possession. 

Dutch Language Books and Tour Guides
dscn00011

That’s right. The country who brought the world the Swarte Pieten is the country’s whose language I’ve chosen to study.

Pictures Taken While Skiing

dscn0001_11All I needed was one other black person on the slopes to make me feel like I had denied my Oreo heritage and was actually engaging in something “my people’ did with regularity. Luckily, that did not happen and I enjoyed my hot vanilla while basking in the sun reflecting off the skin of the other skiers.

Franklin Covey Organizers

dscn0001_31Nothing says corporate American, rigid and overcompensation like The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

An iTunes Full of Showtunes

dscn0001_25 As discussed earlier, this is a necessity. Why? Because the musical is a distinctly American art form. And because of that, it has wonderful undertones that keep your average African American consumer from consuming too many of them. Remember, this is a medium that hailed Al Jolson as a treasure…a performer who “didn’t feel like himself” unless he was in blackface.

Sunscreen

dscn0001_41 Just in case my wildest dreams come true.

Five Steps to Assimilation

So you want to become an Oreo, but aren’t sure how to get there?

Don’t worry, the steps below will walk you through the process. Be sure to consult with your physician before making any radical change to your lifestyle.

Step 1:

Be black.

Sorry white people. You’ll just have to content yourself with the encouragement you get in school, fair lending practices and generational wealth.

And for you mixed race folks, you’ll have to settle for the Presidency.

Step 2:

Move to the Suburbs.

It is impossible to be an Oreo if you live around high numbers of OBP. Their ethnicity, regardless of how Oreo-ish they may be will undoubtedly rub off on you.

Congregating en masse with OBP will eventually cause you to discuss issues pertinent to your race. Before you know it, you’re swapping stories about the first time you were called something off color (pun intended) or how your white friends thought it was hilarious to reminisce about the fact that their “out of touch” grandmother still calls Brazil nuts “n*gger toes.”

These conversations will cause you to develop a rapport with OBP and a fondness for your race, which can lead you to slip out of Oreodom and into being “actually” black.

Step 3:

Watch Soul Plane.

Nothing will put a bad taste in your mouth for the ethnic life like a modern day minstrel show. If Soul Plane is unavailable, you may try other films including: White Chicks, Big Momma’s House or Birth of Nation.

Step 4:

Borrow a Home Schooled Kid’s Ipod.

You need to redefine your music taste. Anything on the radio is out. Anything that may have ever been up for a Grammy is out. Anything that has ever been popular in any era is out.

Except for the classical era. You being a huge fan of classical music is a wonderful surprise to your average white person (AWP). So bone up on the Mozart, Beethoven, Tchaikisovy, Stravinsky, Mussorgsky, Shostakovich, and any other super European sounding names.

Step 5:

Pick Your Favorite Middle American Name and Start Decorating the Nursery

It goes without saying that to be a true Oreo, you must only engage in interracial relationships. If you are currently dating a person of color, any color, you must end the relationship immediately and find a white person to soil your bed with.

Why date someone who might have an intimate understanding of some of the struggles that you have experienced when you can be with someone through whom you can vicariously enjoy white privilege?

If marriage between you and your melanin deprived love does occur, it must be done in a Roman Catholic style wedding, no jumping the broom for you. And any offspring produced must have a name that was popular with the ruling class near the turn of last century.

Hey! Where did you go?? See how well you blend in now?