8 Other Awesome Things About Slavery
July 11, 2011
She knows what's up with black people.
This weekend, Michele Bachmann caught some very unwarranted flack for trying to promote marriage and family unity.
Bachmann, along with other Republican politicos, signed a pledge written by activist group The Family Leader that said this:
“Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA’s first African-American President.
The goal of The Family Group and it’s completely inoffensive pledge is ostensibly to push America back to a more family friendly environment by cracking down on abortion, getting rid of porn and by getting all nostalgic for the early days of this country.
Now, some people might say that instead of bringing various sides of an argument together, invoking the institution slavery in a discussion about anything other than actual slavery only serves to polarize anyone who might be reading that document or listening to someone talk about it.
Those people are lame and boring!
Especially because as Bachmann, et al, pointed out, slavery did some real good for black folks! I don’t know if they need another speech writer or document typer-upper. But here are eight other kickass things about slavery that we might want to work into some legal documents!
1. Fitness plans. According to some stats I hastily Googled, almost half of all black people are obese. This article says that in 42 states, more than a third of the black people there are obese. And in 15 states, that number goes up to 40%. I imagine that means that those black people are so fat that…they probably have a number of health problems and are uncomfortable in tiny seats or skinny jeans.
But back in slave days, blacks were super fit!! You can’t have a high body fat percentage when you’re doing hard labor all day. Not only did they get some cardio in when they were running from dogs and bullets and things, but they also got some fantastic strength training by carrying around full bushels of crops.
Not fat.
2. Better names. So there were those studies a while back that showed how identical resumes were handled much differently by recruiters depending on whether they had regular American sounding names or super ethno-black ones.
It was much the same in the good ol’ days. Slaves would come over with these hard to pronounce names and were promptly given new ones. They didn’t have to think about it or sift through dozens of baby name books to figure out if they were more a Madison or a Brighton or a Westley. Slave owners did the work for them! You came into the plantation an Mbutu and left a Marvin. Easy peasy!
3. Zero Percent Unemployment. It’s not new that The Great Recession has been hard on everyone. But statistics show that it’s been super hard on blacks. Whereas the national unemployment rate hovers near 9%, it’s up near 16% for black people and even slightly higher for black men.
That’s so not how it was when slavery was en vogue. You’d be hard pressed to find a black person out of work then. And sure, they didn’t get paid and had to work ridiculous hours, but you know how good an internship looks on a resume!
4. Travel Benefits. Trying to work overseas can be a nightmare! There’s Visas and sponsors to worry about. You have to figure out how to get your paychecks converted into the right currency for whatever bank you’re using. You can’t lose your passport.
But slaves got to work overseas and had someone else take care of all the particulars! All slaves had to do was mind their own business in Africa. Then, suddenly, they got a surprise trip to a whole new world with lodging already taken care of!
Ugh! It's as crowded as coach, am I right!
5. Easier Investment Portfolios. Have you looked at a paycheck recently? They’re so confusing! There’s the gross pay and allowances and all kinds of taxes. And don’t get me started on how complicated it can be to have a 401K! You have to figure out who your dependents are and how much of what stock you want to invest in. And if your company does matching funds, what’s the tipping point when you start taking out too much…it just goes on and on and on…
But slaves didn’t have to worry about all that. No pay meant no financial headache! No one likes doing their taxes and slaves got away with never having to.
6. Lots of Time Outdoors. How tiring is it, being cooped up in an office all day! Fluorescent lights and distant windows and office chairs that never seem to be adjusted quite right. It feels so good to just get away at the weekend. Go outside, take a hike or even just a walk around the neighborhood. Camping is a huge industry–people love it! And those lucky lucky slaves got to be outside all the time!! And they didn’t even have to wear sunscreen!
7. Low-Sugar Diet. We’ve already talked about the obesity rates among blacks, but diabetes is sky-high, too. Diabetes rates are twice as high among African-Americans than it is in whites. And they’re more likely to have to have limbs amputated. No. Thank. You.
It’s hard to over do it on the sugar when you’re eating scraps of meat and bread and so slaves totally had it good when it came to controlling carbs! It’s soooooo hard to say no to dessert. But slaves never got the chance to say yes! How easy would it be to be healthy without all that nasty temptation everywhere!
8. Gated Community Living. Today, neighborhoods where lots of black live are all scary like Compton or Oakland or The South. But as slaves, blacks got to live in super secure, fenced-in areas that would be totes out of their price range today. Jealous!
I mean, no, they didn't live in the big house, but they got to live behind the gate. Which is more than I'm doing, tell you that!
******
I have no more left in me to be amazed at the stupidity of the GOP… i won’t even go into the fact that families were torn apart all the time during slavery…
I will just comment on the fact that just because parents are not married does not mean both parents are not raising the child… and just because parents are married doesn’t mean that they are both involved…
*speechless*
Just found your blog thru Aliza, LOVE it. Adding to my blog roll. Thank you so much for the comedy and truth.
This bitch is crazy o wouldn’t normally use that word bit if ever given a chance I would slap her for general purposes.
what was i thinking. where do i sign up….lol
Oh… my… goodness…
Are you a comedy writer?
This ish is just so damn clever and funny.
@oreowriter
You realize if they (whites) were to reinstate slavery, your black/white (externally/internally) ass (fine one at that) would be enslaved too, right? Half-breeds, oreos, whatever. I know this site is satire which is to poke fun at pensive issues but in the end, “reality is real”. Barack failed as president and with this flash mob crap, failing test scores among blacks and high crime rates, people of all walks of life might start reconsidering diversity.
http://www.amerika.org/politics/diversity-is-failing-for-everyone/
That’s a pretty light-hearted article. I can show you some forum sites like stormfront or niggermania if you like.
Be afraid; you are black on the outside. Remember that
You don’t really think that the U.S government will reinstate slavery, do you? And yeah, it IS a satire site…I’m sure you don’t need to remind her that she’s black…otherwise the blog wouldn’t exist.
Yeah but I like reminding her just in case, you know?
@Ryan Dunn
Yes! Let’s reconsider diversity. First step – swim back to whatever God forsaken island you came from, so you can cross-breed until all of your men and women look exactly like you. It’ll be like you’re screwing yourself! Eventually, your species will have no distinguishing characteristics. There will literally be no diversity. Finally, you won’t have to deal with all those pesky non-you people!
Be afraid; you are a freakin’ nut-job on the inside. Remember that
Yeah that sounds like a plan. Except there’s no need to swim anywhere. Let’s keep mixing the races here in America until we’re all one united admixture of honkey and nigger.
I like the way you think buddy. Awesome!
I get it, I really get it. I cannot take seriously anyone like Bachmann. You, on the other hand, should run for president
“Oreo Experience 2012″
[...] Oreo Experience My Life and Times as a Super White Black Person « 8 Other Awesome Things About Slavery Prison: 3 Reasons To Visit The New Day Spa for Black Dudes July 19, [...]
This was really clever.
It’s really scary that people exist who are this out of touch with their countrymen and women. I mean seriously…who thought it was a good idea to give a nod to the awesome black slave parenting model?
38009009
[...] Being historically black isn’t all bad, of course. Be sure to check out 8 Other Awesome Things about Slavery! [...]
[...] I’m assuming this guy is the one who gave Bachmann and Santorm the tip about how baller antebellum America was? [...]
Am I being satirized for me enjoyment Ms. Oreo Princess ?
You are not serious right?
[...] Want more of this deliciousness? Here are Bachmann’s 8 Other Reasons Slavery Was So Super Kickass! [...]
I am white, and I love history. I LOVE black history and Civil War history about the same. They both make up American history. The comment made by Mrs. Bachmann is ignorant and unfounded. Facts were never taken in consideration. Consider slave families were more apt to brokeness due to families being seperated at plantation owner’s whims or economic situations. I’m embarrassed and disillusioned by American politics altogether, and believe we haven’t had a GREAT or inspiring president since Ronald Reagan. I yearn for better options. I take into consideration the statement Mrs. Bachmann made and wish the GOP, and democrats for that matter, had better options altogether. I don’t long for the past, but I long for better options. I appreciate your site. It’s refreshing to be able to read into your words and find a different angle to these truths. You are one smart young lady. And regardless of race, I wish more people were like you. Not white, not black, just yourself… intelligent, thoughtful, and attractive to boot! Funny, when a person tries to live up to some stigma, they’re more attractive anyhow. Keep it up, “Independent” minds are reading between your lines, maybe we can somehow someday get over and beyond this mess!
I mis-stated that last comment… I meant to say, “Funny when a person tries NOT to live up to some stigma, they’re more attractive anyway.” I apologize and retract that previous statement. I’m sorry for misquoting myself.
Is this bitch serious? O she had a little croud to cheer her on. How dumb are you to say things like that. In of course these dumb ass people on here really listening to this shit. Trying to make it a funny situation for the white people. Now you got me sounding real dumb. I just had to really comment on this stupid ass blog. its not useful at all.
It’s a satire blog…of course we know what Michelle Bachmann said was ridiculous (it sure didn’t get her the nomination) and that’s why the author can easily make fun of it. You can’t take everything too seriously. And no, it’s not a funny situation for the white people because not all white people approved of Bachmann’s statement. And even the ones who did prolly wouldn’t find this post funny.